Should I Exist?


Everyone has a purpose to be born on this mortal world. Everyone has a dream to be achieved in this realm. At the point of this article written, the total population on earth alone is around 7+ billion. Yeah, that’s the amount of homo sapiens currently living in this planet. Yet some motivational speech tells you to be “unique”. The chance you’re being unique in that population is just a mere a nano percent or perhaps lower.

God creates the whole things with purpose. In my mere opinion, each of the individual of that amount of people, should have their own function. Like a computer, each of component will have its own responsibility to hold. Yet, we see we have a lot of redundancy in almost every aspect that could be more efficient in terms of number. We are the greatest politician among other living creatures. We decide we are the king of the earth. We control other creatures population yet we are having trouble to grow efficiently.

We keep having a baby regardless death is unlikely on the other side of the world. Currently, the ratio of newborn best the death. It means, we grow in terms of number. We couldn’t control it, yet we could control other creatures. We are the hypocrites and paradoxial creatures. We find solution yet another trouble comes. We have a great growth yet we have problem balancing in and out. Scalability is our problem.

A passerby said, “Would there ever be a world without trouble? An eternal peace?” Well, a lot of interpretation will be booming on that simple sentence. The short answer, as long as the ego of homo sapiens reign, an eternal peace is like a unicorn. Its existence is a fantasy. A good fantasy.

We want to claim another planet, yet we are still not very efficient on using this earth. Our hunger really never end. We said that planet earth couldn’t handle more population yet we still can find a certain places that is still inhabitable. We give up on Sahara to make it more livable and we spend a lot of time and effort researching on how to send and live on Mars.

We still have ocean that we could only approach at a mere of 5% of the whole of it. We still haven’t found a way to live underwater. Yet, we’re happy to hear there are water on other planet. Sometimes I wonder how our excitement work.

Before entering this stage, I have a lot of things in mind to be achieved. Some people refer it as “success”. Then I realize, what is “success”? Why everyone so eager to achieve it? And most of it, why it should refer to the ability to own things we couldn’t keep forever? Gold, diamond, fancy cars, mansion, villa, and up to trivial things like even a fork. Is this the work of capitalism? Or it’s just a marketing strategy to make the world keep running a circle?

“I want to be an architect or an engineer when I grow up.” That’s my line when I was around 5 or 6. When some people asked the reason I simply put a smile and a line like “because I want it.” 20 something years later, I question myself, “why should I? Other people have already done that so why should I be one of them? why should I be success? why should I follow what I have been told? Why can’t I just sit and relax till the death welcome and embrace me?” There are so many questions in mind. When I try to share it with other humble human being, they simply said “I think it’s time to put it rest. You don’t have to questions all of these things. It could potentially lead you to astray.” You know what I did? I stop sharing my mind. It seems it bothers a lot of people so I will keep it myself.

In my opinion, it’s okay to ask something like this. We have curiosity bound to our brain and heart. Repelling this is the same way as asking to put off ego, lust, anger, and all of those emotions that keep flowing in the blood. You can’t erase it. It’s part of ours. Curiosity is our eternal fire flaming till air leaving our body circulation. Of course it could potentially lead to astray. Curiosity could have two potential income, one that lead you to another curiosity with a better understanding and context, and one that lead you to the depth of the void. Guidance is needed yet some people who doesn’t want to be bothered answer that it’s not okay to questions this. It’s better to answer like, “your question is quite strong and intriguing yet I myself still haven’t reached up to that point. If you do have the answer, my ears would be wide open.”

Then comes the ultimate question I found so far that maybe other people already reach this question. “God have purposes to create the creatures, and I believe God have something in mind to what His inventions do. A question that pop up is, why this many? Shouldn’t be around 1 or 10 millions would suffice? why a lot of existence are required? why should I exist?”

“Why should I exist” doesn’t have the same meaning as “Why should I alive”. The last one refers to giving up on life yet you still exist regardless the state of death or alive. Exist means you are created and available. Death or alive is a matter of state. Non existence means you are not available let alone death or alive. Think of a great game that ever existed or created. When that game never existed, you don’t even know that game let alone playing it.

When I try to discuss it to other people, some refer it as “existential problem.” Maybe they are right. After all it’s about existence. But as far as I know, what they refer as existential problem is actually about the light of fire in your mind is currently dimming. It’s like you want to know the purpose of your own life. While my question is actually about like “Why manufacturers create a lot of computers? What kind of demand that we are trying to supply? And at what point that it will be considered as over-supply?”

Ah, how I wish I could find the answer sooner.



About the author

Mochamad Gufron

Hello, nice to meet you. I'm an active software engineer who love to learn a lot of things. I'm also in love at writing some blog entries. Get in touch with me on email if you need anything.


By Mochamad Gufron

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Mochamad Gufron

Hello, nice to meet you. I'm an active software engineer who love to learn a lot of things. I'm also in love at writing some blog entries. Get in touch with me on email if you need anything.